What am I doing again?

I wish I was an anonymous blogger because I have some scandalous dirt.
but since reputations & jobs are at stake... I'll keep my mouth shut. 
just know that this week was ridiculous..

In other news, my goal the past 7 days was to write a song, play it on my uke & post it here. But lets be honest..
I have NO time.
I did write two eight counts of music, then school/work/social life got in the way.
So I just practiced hawaiian songs... for like 20 minutes, 3 days this week.
EPIC FAIL.

between 2 jobs, end of the semester school load & trying to create a new life... I'm pooped.
& to make things complicated boys want to date me. WHY!?...i DON'T know.

today I also came to the depressing conclusion that the X literally chose partying over me. not just me... but us. I realize that people will say, "well he's the stupid one" but seriously... how am I not worth more than getting embarrassingly drunk & hooking up with girls who won't even remember him?! How am I not worth more than shallow friendships conceived from taking body shots?

So confused.

That's my insecure rant. My hopeless future rant is coming in 3..2..1.. I'm thinking of being a baker.. like a cake decorator or something...maybe a wedding planner. I have like a 6 year gap I need to fill with a temporary career. oh & I'm contemplating getting a boob job. I'm not sure why..but the past 9 days it's seemed like an AWESOME idea.

*for those reading this ridiculously plain post, I will fix it but I'm currently late on procrastinating on a project even more by meeting friends at a bar. so apologize for now, editing will occur lates.

ps. I'm going out on a date this week. 

Repair & Revamp

I started writing an amazing post.. but it was so long.. so here's the condensed version [it's still lengthy].

In the past week I was in Reno for less than 7 hours, got my 2nd speeding ticket of this month/my life, an old lady stole my parking spot & made me EXTREMELY late to class, got starbucks thrown at me, crashed a bachelor party -only to be told that marriage was the biggest mistake of their life... & oh ya, decided to drastically change everything about my life.

read this book.

I miss Jesus & being fulfilled. I realized that my life goal of being a housewife & the BEST mom in the world.. revolves around a guy.. & not only do I not have a guy..
but how stupid is it to make your dreams rely on someone else.

It's heartbreaking to give this up.. you don't understand.

But goodbye cooking dinner 

for my hubby every night

& goodbye putting notes 

in my kids lunch pail..

 I'm constructing new goals & dreams for noone but me. 

In the meantime I have weekly goals. In the past I've done no drinking for six months, no kissing for three & no dating for a whopping whole month! But now I made goals that will have lasting positive consequences. 

Things like: learn how to do my makeup & then do it for an entire week, bike ride, cook dinner, random acts of kindness, style my hair, paint a new picture... random goals done all in weekly increments & hopefully will carry out in weeks that follow.

Being a robot only helps for so long before it does horrific, irreversible damage. So I've been sad & angry & now I'm ready to be happy. I deserve to make myself happy. So join me on my journey & read every Saturday for results of that weeks goal.

Home Sweet Home

So when you're poor & can't afford furniture or decor.. you get like me & make your own!

                  

            Canvas from Micheals $13

 

Key house from Micheals $1

Various wood cut from Home Depot $14

I painted all the wood black then nailed/glued them together. I used scrapbooking paper to line the bottom/ sides of the boxes then covered it with mod podge

48X24 in. sheet of wood from Home Depot $6

Blue gift bag from 99cents store

I used hot glue to spell "Amore Profondo." Used 1 in. square magazine cutouts & mod podge. Cut up the gift bag & used picture glue to glue it on.

Mirror & dresser set from Goodwill $10

I spray painted the dresser in a glossy apple red.

I originally wanted to paint the frame but my lack of talent prevented it from looking decent, so I used magazine cutouts & mod podge instead.

Wood from Home Depot $5

Glass top from Home Depot $17

After painting the wood brown and assembling it, I stenciled a design on top & added glass cushions to the corners.

48X24 in. wood sheet from Home Depot $6

This is called "He's Just Not That Into you" 

It's a combination of art I've seen before. 

20X36 in. wooden block from Home Depot $12

Oh gosh.... I really needed a dining room table. & my camera captured every flaw.

Desk top from IKEA $10

Wood pieces from Home Depot $5

I rushed through the process because I wanted a table so bad.

Survival

It's not that i don't handle trauma well.. because I don't handle traumas at all. 

When things happen, I've learned to pretend like it didn't. I'm not much of an endurer so to avoid the pain & various actions & emotions... everything associated with the trauma gets placed somewhere I'm not aware of. That's my survival. 

People think I'm strong. I'm not. I'm a coward.

I have detached myself from the sadness & love & bitter trauma of heartache. 

I kinda feel nothing. 

I have convinced myself that I feel nothing. 

This profound love that has dominated my life for so long, suddenly never existed. 

The only evidence of a once relationship is in a large box in my closet. taped shut. 

I talked with the x today & felt like I was a completely different person. My happy, confident/numb self was ignoring my heartbroken self. Being numb is better than dwelling & being utterly miserable. So this is my solution to moving on. This is my survival.

oh me & my empty heart.